I’ve been wanting to blog since yesterday morning. By the time I had a moment to get around to it, I was entirely too pissed off to write anything. And I really have something profound to me to write about. But I don’t know if I’m going to be able to get it across without the outside influence of my current mood. I just need a reminder that someday, this too shall pass and it will make me stronger for learning to bear it.
The Self Saboteur Recognized.
I had a good conversation with my MIL and my SIL on Friday. We all seem to have our life problems and sometimes it’s really nice to just air those problems. Funnily enough, we all seem to share some similar life obstacles.
My SIL mentioned a phrase the struck a chord with me. She talked about how she has been self sabotaging things in her life. It finally donned on me, that I do the exact same thing.
I admit it, I am a self sabatager. (hey, I just made up a new word!!). I set myself up so that I know I’m going to fail or set myself up to not even try so I can’t fail.
Easiest and most trivial example is I’m a nail biter. I’ve been for 30 years (slight exaggeration but I couldn’t tell you how young I was when I started biting my nails). I constantly tell myself why try to stop, I’m going to eventually go back to biting my nails so there is no point in trying to stop. See, the self sabotage began early. Why do I think I can’t stop biting my nails? Because if I do have a moment of weakness I think well of course it was going to happen. I constantly believe that relapsing is okay because it was inevitable. In reality I don’t want to accept the fact that I had a moment of weakness and that a life long habit can be hard to break. It’s going to take time and patience to kick the habit.
Yup, I know, a trivial life example, but it fits so many other things I’ve done in life.
Since I’m not into airing all my dirty laundry on the internet, I will elect not to share any more examples.
But I am learning to see the signs of lapsing into that self sabotage. I deal with it every day.
The latest sabotage potential is running. I could easily see myself just slowly quitting it. Why? Because it’s damn bloody hard at the moment. Giving up would be much easier…
I refuse to give up this time. Refuse. I can not let myself give up. I need this. I need something to cling to, to finally prove to myself that I can succeed at what I put my mind to. Of course running is hard right now. I haven’t run in 13 years. 13 YEARS!! I have to learn to give myself time to develop the correct muscles and stamina again to be able to run. So my plan is to stick to a routine and it may be the only solution to continuing to achieve my goal. And I’m going to have to struggle at it every day. My ultimate goal is to feel good in the body I have (even if I never meet my ultimate weight goal). To like what I look like in the mirror. To know I’ve done something good for myself both physically and mentally.
What I need to learn and to remember is that I’m not always going to succeed at everything I try. There are things I’m going to attempt to do and no matter what I will not succeed. What I need to know is that I’m going to learn very valuable lessons from these journeys that will ultimately change me into a better person.
** I managed to blog without being angry. I guess it can be good to have something else to focus on! A small life lesson learned. **
