Another Profound Moment

Every now and then I ponder the ultimate question: What is our purpose as humans? Or more specifically, what is my purpose here on this earth, in this life?

To get even more specific, I’ve been pondering a lot what is my purpose now and what has been my purpose of the places I am for the last 8 years. What has been the point and what have I learned?

All I can say is the last 8 years have been full of problems, heart ache, challenges, and personal struggle. Not a single one of these 8 years has been a happy year. I can’t look back on a single one and say, wow, now (insert some year 2000 in here) was a good/great year.

I’m really struggling with 2010/2011. It’s not the things that arise in life that are the problems, my biggest problem is the struggle within. It’s been a REALLY bad year. I’ve spent the last year struggling with my self worth, ego, and temper. I’m dealing with a lot of outside influences that have left very deep and emotional bruises on my ego and self worth which makes my temper flair very easily. I’m struggling every day to remind myself to stay calm and to try to let things bounce off instead of sting. Unfortunately, most days I loose the battle and let it eat me up inside.

Every day I remind myself that this too shall pass and that for every little hurt, injustice, sting, there is a life lesson to learn, a bigger picture to fulfill, and eventually one day it will make sense and have been worth the fight.

In all the personal struggles, there are the rays of light that do make a day worth it all. I have 3 such little lights that I have accumulated through these last 8 years, all 3 have come into my life within the last year. In thinking about it, this last year has been the hardest of the 8 and every single light has appeared when I’ve been most in need.

The 3 little lights are my work friends, actually more like my work sisters. Once lives in California, one in New Jersey, and the last in my home state. We’ve never met, and none are friends of the others (well, I did introduce CA & NJ to each other over email, but I’m not sure if that friendship ever progressed). Every day I think of these 3 little lights and I talk to each at least once a week. They are each like the North Star to me. When I feel lost, they ground me. When I’m upset, they comfort me. When I just need to vent, they have all the time in the world and ears as big as an elephant.

CA, she is my sister from another mister. I swear our personalities were separated at birth. CA, she can make me laugh and smile every time even though all I want to do is cry. NJ, is my inspiration. She is the most positive, upbeat, and inspirational person I’ve ever met. On days when I think I can’t make it through, she is there to inspire me to continue. Home State is a sweet as pumpkin pie. She’s like the sunshine, she’s so cheery. Just talking to her is like bringing out the sun in my day. These 3 girls know how to round out my day when things are tough.

Now, don’t get your panties in a wad, I’m not forgetting about my husband. My husband is my best friend in the world. But there are some things you just can not talk to your husband about. For that matter, there are just some things you can’t talk to a guy about. Face it girls, there are just some things that boys don’t get and it’s useless trying to share with them.

I feel truly blessed to have found these 3 girls. I also realize what a part of this struggle has been for. It was to bring me to the place and time where I was supposed to meet each of these individuals. Friendships that I will cherish and not let go of over the years.

Each path in our life is a new journey. It’s a new lesson to learn, a new challenge to overcome. Life is a lesson, a path we have chosen to follow, to learn from, to experience. Sometimes it’s days like these where I wonder why I have chosen such a difficult path and where it’s going to lead. Will it eventually lead to happiness? I can only hope. I also promise myself that if this path truly does lead to eventual happiness, I will not ever forget all the struggles I’ve gone through to be able to truly appreciate the happiness.

And maybe that’s my life lesson, to know, understand, and appreciate happiness. I had a very difficult childhood. Probably a mundane experience to most people, but I suffered through 9 years of school being bullied and then another 4 years afterwards being compared to my sister (yes, as a younger sister, it really stings when your teachers compare you’re talents, your intelligence, your skills to your sisters when you’ve always known you and she are different and will never posses the same set of talents/skills/intelligence and would wish everyone could get that through their heads). After leaving High School, College was the happiest 4 years of my life (thus far). I crave and envy the time I spent there and want it all over again. But did I every truly appreciate my happiness? I can’t honestly say I ever did.

So here I am, hoping, wishing, praying, craving another, different and better step in my life. I feel I’ve paid this unknown debt and learned many very valuable lessons in the process. And maybe that’s the other problem. Instead of accepting and learning from life, I spend too much time wishing for a better future. Unfortunately, these aren’t questions I can readily answer. Only time will teach me what I need to learn. What I do know is I will never forget the value of the good things in my life.